I'm slowly realizing how hard it actually is for me to get close to people again. I try and talk to someone again and it just doesn't feel right. Something doesn't click. I can't really picture myself dating at this particular time. My whole life I have always been a relationship person, so to not be in a relationship is a completely new and different experience for me. Finding my own way to get through life, to get through my own problems and struggles, without depending on anyone else for moral support. Am I happy with being single? For the most part, yes. They're times when I wish I had someone to say that they love me, etc. because that is what I grew accustomed to, but it's time to love myself first before allowing anyone else to love me or before allowing myself to come close to anyone again. At least I'm trying. For awhile, I was too scared to even attempt to be interested in someone. Trying to be close to people is hard for me, but I don't want to be sheltered from it anymore. It's not healthy for me in the least bit.

People always say that you end up marrying your best friend. Schlegel is that person. I know that for a fact and so does he. We both have an unconditional love for each other that still exists under the surface. We determined this in the last couple days. I will always love him. He was the first person I ever fell completely in love with. It was the first time that I was fully able to be myself around a guy. He was my best friend before we started dating and he continued to be my best friend during. After everything we've been through together, I am surprised that we are still as close as we are. We are actually closer than ever because of that shit, I believe. Everyone always tells us that we are going to get married one day, etc. Schlegel and I always say that that's not the case but deep down, we both know it is. I honestly can't see myself being with anyone else for the rest of my life. When I got engaged to Alex, for that brief amount of time, it didn't feel right. I didn't feel like I was going to be marrying my best friend ultimately. I know that if I end up marrying Schlegel, I will be marrying my best friend. It's inevitable that that's what's going to happen with us. We both feel this way which is crazy. After everything we've been through together, we both still feel the same way. Yes, most of the feelings have gone away but there is still that love for each other that doesn't seem to end. We both can pretty much guarantee that it is going to be me and him in the end. Right now though, it's not the right time. We both have our own issues to deal with and we both accepted that. Honestly, I don't want to date right now. I don't find the need to. I like having my own space and having my own way of doing things. I like having the freedom to do anything that I want to do. I'm not ready to give that up. After constantly being taken by someone for like seven years of my life, I need probably a couple more years to figure myself out and enjoy the single life. One day, we will most likely end up trying it again, but for right now, we are fine the way we are. Yes, be happy because this is what everyone wants  lol.

I need to get out of this school. I ultimately want to be a singer but I can never accomplish anything because of the fact that I constantly have to move back three hours away. I can never accomplish anything that I need to accomplish because there's no point in starting on something if I can't finish it because of school. So, I'm going to transfer back home. I plan on living in my own place and get my own car and just get my life started at home. I need to be closer to the city. Let's face it, I can't get my music career started in bumblefuck mountains. At first, I thought I could do both but I really can't. As much as I don't want to move back home, I have no other option. I don't want to be in school and the farther away I am from the city, the worse it's going to get.

I've been back at bloom for about a week now and I feel completely lonely and secluded a good portion of the time. I feel like I basically lost all of my friends from last year. In delco, I literally get him up so many times a day, asking to chill. Here, I'm barely asked at all. I try and be social and meet new people but it never works out. I hate being lonely all the time. Sometimes, it's a good thing. I just hate feeling lonely. I don't want to sound like a complete pussy or like I'm bitching about something I can change but... that's how I feel. I've felt like this here since I hit Cait. All the "friends" I thought I had, distanced themselves away from me. I feel like Cait ultimately won everything, if there ever was a competition. It certainly feels like there was/is. I made a fuckin mistake and I still feel like I'm constantly being punished for it. I wanted this weekend to be a good weekend with my friends from home and my friends here; what little friends I do have here. I sound like a pathetic, emo kid who doesn't have any friends but if that's how I'm coming off then so be it. I had a lot of friends last year, especially first semester. I had friends everywhere. I knew a whole bunch of people. I always had plans with everyone. People always asked me to be a part of what they were doing. Now, I don't get shit. I feel like people just find me to be an annoyance. Nights like tonight, where I thought I would be out with my friends, I'm sitting in my room completely secluded. I'm in a room by myself because my roommate never showed up. I absolutely hate it sometimes. I bought a tv so I wouldn't be so lonely, but I can't hook it up yet and it's literally driving me insane. There is never any noise in my room, unless I'm flipping pages of homework. To me, a tv would keep me occupied when I'm feeling lonely and would make some noise in the room. That sounds so pathetic. Like... I've been smoking more here than I was at home. I am almost done my second pack this week. I'm not even overly stressed. I was more stressed at home, but yet I smoked more at home than I do here. I honestly hate being in my room because of the quietness and the loneliness that I feel when I'm in there. I try and spend as much time away from it as I can. I pretty much made my room the shit for no reason. Basically, one of the main reasons why I bought a fuckin tv that I didn't need was so I could hear some other noise. Ugh..

So, I have been feeling lately like I need to up my meds a little bit. I have been having a hard time keeping my cool lately and not worrying about little shit. I'm afraid to do it though. When they had me on 50 mg in the hospital, I literally felt high the whole day and I hated it. I couldn't get to sleep or anything. It sucked. I don't want to feel like that again, but at the same time, I think I need to move up the dosage. Ugh, I am 19.. I shouldn't have to deal with upgrading my dosages on depression/anxiety pills. I guess you can still say that I'm still having a hard time dealing with this. At first, I thought it would be a blessing that I was diagnosed and on medication. I mean, it is a blessing.. but at the same time, I wish I could be normal sometimes. I am not normal. I'm still having a hard time accepting that. My mental health has gotten a lot better because of the medication but still, it is hard to deal with.

Most of the unpacking is done and it feels like a home. The apartment is feeling like home. I only have about 2 weeks here though, which is bittersweet. I'm just glad that my mom can afford this place on her own, without my dad supporting her. I'm glad my mom is moving on with her life instead of dwelling on the past, which she easily could have done. I hate to admit it, but she inspires me sometimes. When I think of my dad and the anger I have towards him sometimes, I think of my mom moving past all of the horrible shit that happened. She has moved past it and is living better now than she did then, it seems like. She is holding her head up. That's what I am trying to do everyday now. If taking medication is helping me keep afloat and keep my head up, then I have to accept that and keep struttin on with life.

Alright, lets get this straight... I have fuckin depression, a fuckin mental illness. If you're going to judge me for it, then fuck you. You don't know what I've been through all my life, especially in the past couple of years. You probably don't know what it's like to wake up and hate the fact that you didn't stay asleep. You probably don't know what it's like to have the one man in your life that is suppose to always be there for you, your father, betray you. You probably have no clue what it feels like to feel completely nothing everyday; just going through the motions of life without actually feeling much of anything at all. I cut myself two fuckin times. I tried hanging myself with a shower curtain in my college's bathroom. I tried hanging myself again using a fuckin belt. I am still here. If you're going to judge me by my depression, judge me by how I am living now... knowing that I completely failed my attempts at death. I saw death in the face and yet I am still here. Judge that pricks.

Just an excerpt..

I had a fuckin dream last night. It was basically me and Alex fucking and doing shit. Like really? So this whole day I've been thinking about him. For some reason I am so tempted to call him but I know there's completely no point. There's completely no point in talking to someone that doesn't give two shits about me and what I have to say. If he legit cared about having any type of relationship with me at all, then he would've contacted me somehow. He hasn't. He hasn't in months. I keep holding onto something that is no longer there. One of the reasons why I think this is happening is because he does have my virginity, something that is so sacred to me. I feel like no matter what I do, I can't get fully over him, or over the relationship and its' turmoils. It's taking a long time to move on from the fact that he does have my virginity. It is also taking a long time to heal from the turmoil and heartbreak of that relationship. My life has completely spun around and flipped upside down because of Alex and the relationship. This healing process is taking longer than what I could have ever expected. I didn't expect to completely stop dating around and talking to people. My heart is basically telling me that it's been through enough. I have been through enough. I am refusing to feel sorry for myself for anything that happened to me. I refuse to cry because of it anymore. I refuse to settle for anything less than what I deserve. I refuse to get anyone that much involved into my mental illness, unless it's beneficial for me. I refuse to be in another relationship that makes me feel terrible most of the time. I am refusing to do a lot of things that I was willing to put up with and deal with before. For years. For years I allowed myself to be in relationships that have been not necessarily good for me. It's extremely difficult to pretty much re-evaluate my life and basically construct it the full opposite way that it was before. I know I should be going to a therapist for all of this shit. I hate going though, always have. I need to go though. It really isn't an option. I can't let it become an option.

This move is starting to sink in. My whole life is in this house. As much as I know that we have to move and as much as I know that it would be so beneficial for my parents to be able to improve their little debt situation, I do wish to stay here. Seeing all my shit packed up is pretty surreal. Knowing that my dad won't have a key to the apartment is weird too. There is a chance that I am going to be staying with my dad and my aunt though. This move is completely inconvenient for me to get to work 40+ a week. It is very possible that I will be staying with my dad until I go back to school. Pretty ironic because my relationship with him is kinda strained. He really doesn't know anything about my personal life. He doesn't really understand it, I should say. He doesn't understand why I have depression. He doesn't question it much but he has made comments about my medication, referring to the fact that I don't need them. I do need them. He is one of those people that doesn't believe in 'mental illness', if you want to put it that way. He believes in working your problems out yourself and just moving on. In a way, I can see his point of view very clearly, but at the same time, I have a mental illness because my problems overwhelmed me, overpowered me, and eventually took control over my life and left me out of control with my life, turning me to alcohol and cutting myself, with eventual suicide attempts. Maybe it would be a chance to finally open up and tell him what the fuck happened to me the last couple of years, including how horribly I dealt with him basically leaving the family for another woman. It's probably about time I get some of these emotions out.

Molly, my neighbor, is right. I can't necessarily move on completely because of the fact that I really don't have any closure. So, I decided to come up with my own since that night. My closure is that... I was strong for my unborn child.. but now, I'm strong for me. I keep living every day without him because I have to... for me. Without him, I don't need to be treated unfairly. By staying away and keeping my distance, I am doing right for myself. That is my closure... to be strong to do what is right for myself, for the first time in my life.

So it has been awhile since I last said anything on here about anything. I've been home for the summer for acouple weeks now and have began to work so my time is pretty much occupied to the fullest most of the time. All the while though, I still manage to think about everything that has happened throughout the past year, all about Alex. I know... I shouldn't be thinking about him anymore. He's a waste of my time and he doesn't deserve to have my attention, etc. They're things that most people don't know about that happened between us. For months I endured emotional abuse/verbal abuse from him on a constant basis. I constantly felt like he didn't want me and he consistently made me feel like he was above me. Other things happened too, sexually. On plenty of occasions he would be hurting me and I would tell him to stop. He would tell me that he couldn't stop because then his shit would hurt. He wouldn't stop bitching about it. I would literally be crying in pain, but because he wouldn't stop complaining about it, I would say yes to letting him finish, even though it made me cry in pain. On New Years Eve, while I was completely wasted, he took advantage of me. I was barely able to open my eyes. He came back home drunk and laid down in the bed next to me. He could feel me shivering and whatnot because I was so intoxicated. The nextt hing I remember is his dick being in my mouth. I couldn't physically give him what he wanted. That is the only reason why he stopped. That moment traumatized me. I'm afraid to even make out with anyone else because I don't know if that person will do the same thing that he did to me. A week or two later, my dad was moving out. I had to watch him leave. I needed Alex's support, but he couldn't give it to me. I guess I was too much of a bother to him. All he could say was that he had it worse and that I was only trying to get him to feel sorry for me. At the same time, I thought I was pregnant with his child. I told him that if I was pregnant, he would not be able to see his child until he learns to grow up and treat me with respect. If he could treat the woman he "loves" with such disrepect, what would stop him from doing the same to his daughter or son? Schlegel was with me for support while I took the first pregnancy test. It came out negative but Alex refused to show any emotion or concern about it. He instead called me a selfish bitch and to not call him again because it was done; me and him were done. Schlegel couldn't believe how he was talking to me, and I guess I kinda acted like it didn't phase me because by that point, it became a part of my life to be treated like that. The next morning, Alex called me saying that he was pissed off and that he didn't mean it and he wanted to be with me. I finally had enough. That was the last straw. I left him. I still thought that I could be pregnant because I did take the pregnancy test too early. At the time, I left for my child. I was not going to let my child become like I had become because of him; destroyed and in pain everyday.

That was the past. I'm still not healed. I can't hate Alex. I love him still. I hate it but I do. I can't hate him but I can't deny it anymore that I am angry with him. I am very angry with him. For awhile, I wanted to be cordial and I have tried with him. All he would do was talk more shit about me, as always. I haven't talked to him in 2 weeks, which is the longest I have ever gone without talking to him. I figure, if he cares, he would call and he hasn't called. Not calling him is the hardest thing, but everyday I feel a little bit stronger. I'm resisting the urges to call him and try and be cordial with him. It isn't worth it anymore. I took his number out of my phone, I stopped following him on twitter, I took him off facebook. I can't care anymore if he doesn't. Now, I'm staying out for me.

So I guess you can say that my biggest fear is being alone. Basically, not finding anyone to spend the rest of my life with. I know I should be by myself right now. I like being single, don't get me wrong. At the same time, I want a cute, sweetheart, man to ask me out on a date. I wanna be romanced. I don't wanna be alone forever. Am I ready for a relationship? No, but I do wanna get asked out on a date sometime soon :) I just wanna be proven wrong that there is one man that is actually a man. I'm not tryna settle for less than what I deserve anymore. I deserve the best. I know I'm going to have to go through a few more fuckheads in order to get that but... I wanna find that person. Ugh..

So, my freshmen year of college is almost over. I have been in this since last July so I think a break is well deserved. Looking through the year, it went by really fast. I have been through a lot this year and I still managed to pull through it all; going to the mental hospital, hitting Cait, all the shit with Alex, my dad, everything. After my junior year, I thought that would be the hardest year I would have to go through because of my dad cheating on my mom and all that shit. Well, this year is deff at the top with that. One of my goals years back was to get this whole depression thing taken care of. It is getting there. I'm on medication, I'm in therapy, I see a psychiatrist, I'm doing what I need to do. For myself. For once.

People keep telling me that I've changed a lot since before I went to college. Well, I'm going to speak out against this now. First of all, I started college almost a year ago. I wasn't going to stay the same. In high school, I believe I was very sheltered. I went to school, went to work, went to sleep. That was my life. That was all I did since I was 16. I don't regret doing it because I was able to have a lot of money but at the same time, I didn't get to experience a lot of the shit that I probably should have or what other people were doing. Most high schoolers experience the whole smoking and drinking thing in high school. It's just the way it is. I never even got the chance to do that because I did work so much. I barely saw my friends enough as it was, so in college, that was the freedom that I didn't get in high school. Yeah, I'm an alcoholic and I smoke ciggs now. A lot of people do it. I'm not trying to be a conformist. One of my friends told me that sometimes you just have to do what you have to do in order to make it through the day. I never use to accept that. I always use to push myself til I wasn't able to go anymore. I'm not willing to do that anymore. I'm not willing to push myself to exhaustion like I use to. I'm willing to push myself, don't get me wrong, but I'm not willing to be like how I was. I have learned from my mistakes. I've grown from them. I wouldnt've been able to learn and grow if I hadn't made those choices. People comment all the time about how I'm no longer a virgin anymore. In high school I was a complete advocate for not having sex until marriage. I still believe in this. I don't regret having sex with Alex and giving him my virginity at all. At times, yeah I did regret it. Overall, I don't regret it. I don't think that my virginity should have gone to Schlegel anymore. There is a reason why I didn't have sex with Schlegel and I had sex with Alex. I don't regret it because I was madly in love with Alex when we had sex. For me, every single time we had sex it was making love. I still believe that that is what it was today. Alex has a part of me that no one else has. I will always love him because of this, just like I will always love Schlegel for being the one person that has always been there for me. I will always love Alex for making me feel beautiful and making me feel so comfortable in my own skin that I could take my clothes off and lay next to him, naked, and feel completely free. I will always love Alex.

It's over between us. I understand that. I'm trying to move on as best as I can, but I'm not doing it how I usually would; with hiding my emotions and just finding some other random guy to hook up with. I don't want to do that anymore. I need to heal. I want to be able to think back on our relationship and be able to smile again, because it did make me happy for awhile. He use to make me very happy. I was actually in love with him and still am. People tell me that he's an asshole and whatnot, but they didn't see the person that I saw. Yeah, Alex can be a fuckin asshole a good percentage of the time, but he is a wonderful person. When we were good, we were amazing. It's been months since we broke up and I'm still not ready to move on and that's ok. That's ok. 

What do I think is love? Love is what sets you free. It makes you fly but can make you fall so hard at the same time. It can make you feel emotions that can make you wonder if what you are feeling is even real, or if you are just completely dreaming. It can also make you wonder whether the pain is ever really worth it. To me, love was always worth everything. Love always conquered everything that I have ever known. I have always wanted that perfect love story; one that could take my breath away, one that I would remember for the rest of my life, one that would melt my heart and bring happiness to my soul and peace to my mind. I always wanted that one person that would make me see the light, to make me see myself in ways that I would have never saw if they did not come into my life. I want that bond with someone that is everlasting. I want to feel someones hand grip mine and not let go. I want to feel someone holding me, with every ounce of strength that they have. I want them to kiss me, like it was the last time they would ever kiss me. I have always wanted that magical spark that drove me absolutely over the moon. I never thought that heartache would come with that. I didn't know what love truly was until hurt came along with the happiness. Love is being able to make it through the good and the bad. When all is said and done, that's is what love is; finding the strength within each other to go on when times aren't right. Love is looking into someone's eyes and knowing they are apart of you.

Alex; I love you. I won't and can't deny it because it's true. You have made me feel so strong, but yet so weak. You have made me feel so free, yet so hurt. You have made me feel every single emotion that anyone could ever feel. Through it all, after every word that was ever said between us, I still want to come home to your arms every night. We both have changed so much. We are both still going to keep changing. I want you to be in my life. I have sometimes wondered whether the love I have for you is worth it. Want the truth Alex? Everytime I sleep in your arms, doesn't matter how much time has past, I remember why I love you; because of those moments that we spend together in bed; I am holding you and you're holding me. I wake up in the middle of the night and I see you staring back at me. I kiss you when your sleeping and you automatically kiss me back. I hold your hand before we fall asleep, and I wake up and it's still in the same position. I wake up in the morning and you're the first person I see. I have never had the feelings like I do with you with anyone else. Never. When I wake up and your next to me, I don't want to ever get up because being in your arms is all I want to do throughout the day. I don't care if I sound obsessive. To me, it's called being in love with someone so much that nothing or no one could stop it. I can't force it to stop anymore. These are my feelings. This is what's real, and it is the most real thing I might have ever known.  

Whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel like I am whole again. 

Whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel like I am young again.

Whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel like I am fun again.

Whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel like I am free again.

Whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel like I am clean again.

<3

Ok so, this isn't going to be like I thought it would be ; getting over Alex. He came to my school for block party last night with some of his friends. For most of the night, he wasn't acting particularly nice to me, or even cordial to me. That pissed me off. Me being me, I told him that if he needed a bed to sleep in, he can have mine and I'll sleep on the floor. He took advantage of this, and I didn't sleep on the floor. We ended up having sex... unprotected... more than once. We made an agreement when we were talking last that we would never do that again. This was an epic fail. I can't even blame the alcohol because I would have done that sober... I have done that sober, that's the sad thing. We both said I love you multiple times and that made everything ok. We haven't had sex since December and when we were talking last, I made it a point that we weren't going to have sex until things between us were at a solid point. I'm not sure if I regret it or not. I have been pushing it out of my mind. I really don't want to think about it. I don't want to think of him as taking advantage of me but lets face it, there is a great possibility that he was. There is a great possibility that the only reason why he said that he loves me is because he knows that as soon as he says that, I give him whatever he wants. I don't understand why it is this way. Maybe it's because I'm so madly in love with him still and I have no idea why. He has treated me like such shit but when we are in bed together cuddling, that is one of the happiest moments of my life. In my last post I said that you can't just stop doing what you wanna do. Well... this can go in this situation too. I want to move on but at the same time, I want Alex in my life. I want him to be that man in my life that protects me and shit. I can't even hook up with other people because my feelings are so focused on him still. This has never happened to me before. I've always been able to bounce back from relationships really quickly. With Alex, he just... took my heart and he still has it and he knows it. He still has my number blocked. I asked him before he left with his friends if he was going to unblock me and he said yes. Do I think he's telling the truth? No. Honestly, no. I'm trying not to think about it because it's in the past now. There's nothing I can doa bout it now. I'm trying to not necessarily push it out of my mind but not dwell on it at the same time. We will see if he unblocks me tomorrow. I doubt he will but we will see I guess.

My biggest fear in the world is being alone. I didn't always know that. I always thought that my biggest fear was dying but... that's not the case. I actually feel more at peace with death knowing that mom-mom is there, but with loneliness there is uncertainty. That's why I always jump from relationship to relationship, over and over again. I love feeling loved by a guy, or a girl now. I love loving someone else. Ever since I was in middle school, or even elementary school for that matter, I wanted a relationship that took me beyond the stars. Of course, I didn't really know what love really was. I thought that love was full of happiness and joy. This is true, but I didn't take into account that there would be hard times too. Love isn't perfect, but I've always wanted it anyway.

Lately, I have just been really thinking about my life.. what do I want, and what do I need? I want someone in my life but I don't need anyone to make me happy. I need to find my own happiness before I go back into another relationship. As of right now, I don't want another relationship, as surprising as it is. I "talk" to people but I can't bring myself to trust anyone again. I let my guard down with Alex completely. That blew up in my face so bad. I don't like to talk about that relationship but I guess it's about time. It's long overdue anyway. Last summer was wonderful, in every sense of the word. I was able to feel emotions that I haven't felt in years; complete happiness and overwhelming joy. He made me feel like nothing could stop me from doing what I wanted to do, like I could fly or something. Of course, he always made it seem like he would fly with me but... that isn't the case now. Being long distance ultimately killed me. It took every ounce of me to keep doing it day after day. He didn't make it any better. We always talked based around his schedule. I made time for him, but he never made time for me. If he would have just treated me better, long distance would not have been so hard. He made me feel like I was completely worthless. I loved him with every ounce of my being, with everything I possibly had. It was never enough. I started going to therapy again, even though it is really hard for me. I didn't really feel like I got any support from him. All he would say sometimes was that it wasn't working. Well, it doesn't work in a day. I have baggage. He knew that from the very beginning but... it was still my fault. Every problem in the relationship was always my fault. He never could take the blame for anything that happened. By this past December, sex was the only thing that made me feel good in the relationship. By the end, that wasn't even good though. I would give him pleasure and then he would give me nothing in return. I felt like he was completely taking advantage of me, which he probably was. I wasn't ok and no one knew about it. A lot of other shit happened that I don't really feel like going into right now. We started talking again like a month ago. Everything was going fine, wonderful actually. Then he started doing the same shit that he use to do before and I ended it. He said he didn't love me anymore and that was it. He could always fall out of love with me within a day. Well, after everything that has happened, I still love him. He still has my heart and I hate it. I could find someone else without a doubt, but I think of him. I think of what we had together when it was actually good, and how I don't want to have that with anyone else but him. Then I think of the bad shit that happened, and I realize that that overweighs the good now. I don't deserve that shit again. That prevents me from being close to anyone again. I'm not ready to be close to anyone else right now. It's still hard though. It's hard to move on knowing that he is perfectly fine. I'm not perfectly fine. I'm not ok with how this ended up. I'm holding my head up because I know that I can't keep being miserable like I was. Do I feel miserable now? No. Do I wanna cry sometimes about it? Yes, but I don't. I know that if I cry, it won't make a difference. I keep my head up and stay strong. This is taking me all of the strength that I could possibly have, but one day... I don't wanna be by myself anymore. I wanna be happy enough in my own skin that I can be with someone else and be able to make them happy too. I wanna be able to have that love with someone else again. My biggest fear is that I will never be able to have that. Everyone tells me that I'm a beautiful person and that I will find someone, but I'm just hoping they're right.

I started smoking. Before I would just social smoke but now it's becoming something that I do everyday. I hate it. I dont' wanna be a smoker but that's what I'm turning into. I can't drink, I can't smoke weed- not like I would anyway but it would just be nice to have that option. I just... I want a sense of normalcy with having this illness and smoking gives me that sense of normalcy. At the same time, I do still get really stressed out and smoking does relieve some of stress and tension. Having depression, in a way, changed my life. Having that label changed my life. I'm glad that I finally found out what I have, don't get me wrong, but at the same time, I'm not normal anymore. I don't feel normal anyway. I can't do shit that other normal college students get to do. When I go out now, I have to watch out for how much I drink because of the fact that it fucks with the medication. Before, I didn't have a good enough reason to stop. I passed out and that's what got me to stop. Now, I have to watch it. It isn't necessarily a bad thing but it makes me feel like I'm different from everyone else. I can't drink like everyone else because I use alcohol as my way of escaping. It sucks. I know I'm not gonna stop drinking, even though I should. I don't wanna stop drinking. I tried to stay sober but I don't wanna be sober. I love going out and having a good time and drinking with my friends. If I'm deciding to drink then I have to be cautious. I have to. When I wasn't cautious acouple times, it fucked up my medication and it's now just beginning to be in my system again. As much as I hate it, having depression is a blessing but... it's a bitter sweet blessing.

I have to admit, ever since I gave up with relationships, I have found a lot of friends that I didn't even know that I had. I'm trying really hard to make new friends again so I won't be alone. In that aspect, it's good.That's all I want right now. That's all I can handle right now. I have too much going in in my life right now to balance that and a relationship at the same time. I can balance my life and just talking to somebody else. I can't seem to attach myself to anyone else except for Alex. I hate that. I need to get over Alex... right now, I don't want to get over him as stupid as that sounds. One day, I will want to, but I'm just not ready to want to yet. As of right now, I need to, so I'm keeping my head up.